Antsy Shrek

(BiggerBetterBarbie; idea by Globtroo)

Shrek paced back and forth in the living room of his home, and for very good reason. Today was the day his wife, Fiona, was scheduled to return from a journey to lands far away.
"Okay, Shrek. Get a hold of yourself. It's only been a week… and yet it feels like forever since I've seen her. Sigh… I've missed you, Fiona." Shrek said. The ogre then heard a rapid series of knocks on the front door.
"Fiona! At last you have…" Shrek said, only for the door to suddenly swing open and trap him behind it.
"Delivery for Mr. Shrek!" Donkey shouted from outside. He was standing behind a box about his height, which he pushed into the house with his forehead.
"Huh? Now where'd my big fat smelly onion friend go?" Donkey said as he rapidly looked around the house with no sign of Shrek.
"Ugh… here, Donkey." Shrek said. Donkey watched as the door swung backwards, with Shrek walking out from behind and readjusting his nose.
"Ahhhhh… I get it! You were playing hide and seek to surprise Fiona, weren't ya?" Donkey said.
"Ummm… yes. Yes, I was. That and reminding myself to get a new lock on the front door one of these days." Shrek said.
"Pfffft… looking for privacy in this swamp is like looking for stairs in a castle! Luckily, you're dealing with the stairmaster here!" Donkey said. Shrek just rolled his eyes. It was Donkey being his usual Donkey self, and best not to talk him out of it.

Shrek then looked down and saw the box that Donkey dragged inside.
"What's this?" Shrek asked.
"Don't look at me. It was sitting outside your door when I got here." Donkey said.
"Maybe it's a souvenir that Fiona found in this faraway land." Shrek said.
"Well, no time like the present to find out!" Donkey said as he bit down on the bow at the top of the box.
"Donkey, wait!" Shrek said, not wanting to open the package early, but he and Donkey watched as the box fell apart from all sides as the bow was unwrapped. Inside was a small bottle of blue liquid.
"What? That's all? Just a tell tale bottle of liquid?" Shrek asked.
"Or maybe it's a bottle of perfume. You know how girls are when they find super famous and super exotico perfumo!" Donkey said. Shrek popped the top of the bottle and took a good whiff.
"Definitely not perfume. It smells more like your typical potion." Shrek said.
"Oooooh… hopefully it’s not from that nasty ol' Fairy Godmother! That woman had issues up the wazoo!" Donkey said. Shrek then walked over to the nearby table and set the potion down.
"Awwww… come on, Shrek! I like solving mysteries!" Donkey said.
"No. What if this was supposed to be for Fiona? I'd rather not have her yank on my ears again." Shrek said.
"Mmmmm… yeah. Like the last time she got mad. Woohoo, that had to hurt!" Donkey said.

Suddenly there was a very loud roar coming from outside. Shrek smiled as he knew exactly who that roar came from.
"Sounds like Dragon is looking for you." Shrek said.
"Yeah… I said I would be home looking after the kids, and, well…" Donkey said.
"And here you are stuck with me." Shrek said. Donkey lowered his ears as he walked up to Shrek.
"Shrek. If you don't see me tomorrow, it's because…" Donkey said.
"Donkey, relax. If she wanted to eat you, she would've done so months ago." Shrek said with a wink of one of his eyes.
"You're right, Shrek! Awww man… you're the bestest friend there ever was." Donkey said. Then there was another roar outside from Dragon.
"Not unless you reunite with her lickety split!" Shrek said.
"Right! Get back to wife immediately! Catch ya later, Shrek! Say hi to Fiona for me!" Donkey said as he galloped his way out of Shrek's home. Shrek walked up to the front door and started to close it, leaving a crack open when he looked back at the bottle of potion.

He couldn't get it off his mind. Should I drink it now and make sure nothing harmful is in it for Fiona? Or take a chance and have her drink it first? Shrek then shook his head.
"No. I better see what this is about. If I get turned into a two-headed toad, so be it." Shrek said as he tightened his fists and walked towards the potion bottle. He picked it up and consumed every last drop of it.
"Mmmmm… that was rather tasty." Shrek said as he set the empty bottle down and let out a rather loud belch. Right away… he felt dizzy.
"Whoa… that's some strong stuff." Shrek said as he wobbled around for a few seconds. His vision became very cloudy and he was seeing triple of almost every object in the room. Definite sensory overload as he tried to keep his balance. What he couldn't see was how rapidly he was shrinking. Smaller and smaller he got until finally he was the size of a mite (which was incredibly tiny and hard to see with the naked eye). At the same time the shrinking stopped, his vision returned to normal. He looked all the way up at the ceiling.
"Hmmm? I don't remember having that tall of a ceiling." Shrek said. He then looked over at his favorite couch, which looked a LOT larger than normal.
"And I definitely don't remember my couch being that big." Shrek said. Just then, Shrek heard a loud sound coming from the front door.
"Shrek! I'm home… huh?" the female voice said. The door slowly opened up and what Shrek saw several yards made his jaw drop.
"Fiona!? She's a giant now!?" Shrek said.

Fiona wiped her new boots on the welcome mat in front of her and Shrek's home as much as she could. It was kind of a shame she had to take her new outfit through the swamp, but that was part of the deal in being married to an ogre. Still, she couldn't wait to see her husband again after missing him on her long journey to a land far, far away. She knocked on the front door, only to watch it slowly open.
"Shrek! I'm home… huh? Why was the front door open?" Fiona said as she slowly walked inside the home.
"Shrek! Where are you?" Fiona said as she looked around the room trying to find Shrek, completely unaware of his shrinking incident. Fiona then shrugged her shoulders.
"Maybe he went to get a welcome back gift or something. Oooooh… maybe I should hide in the kitchen and jump out and scare him! But no… I'm too tired to even do that. It was a looooooong journey back. I'll just rest on the couch until he comes back." Fiona said as she turned to the left and walked towards the couch. She turned around and plopped her behind on the couch, then reaching down to untie her black leather boots. After taking them off and exposing her bare green-skinned feet, Fiona yawned and dozed off.

Shrek was doubly surprised… not only to see his wife so massive even from a distance, but also at the outfit she was wearing. She's wearing a white blouse with blue sleeve cuffs and collar, tucked by the waist into a blue knee-length skirt and leather black boots. She also has a blue sailor/student scarf and a choker (author's note: Basically she's dressed like Elizabeth from BioShock Infinite! ^_____^).
"What kind of 1950s world did she get that dress from?" Shrek asked as he scratched his head. But he could wonder no longer as he watched Fiona walk closer and closer. Each footstep she made on the floor made a loud booming sound.
"Shrek! Where are you?" Fiona said. Shrek jumped up and down and waved his arms.
"Fiona! I'm down here!" Shrek said. But of course, she couldn't possibly hear him. As Fiona walked to the side and her boots were about 100 yards away from Shrek, he almost strained his neck as he looked all the way up at his wife's face. It made him feel quite helpless and pointless… probably just like all those bugs that are always getting stuck in his ear.
"…just rest on the couch until he comes back." Fiona said with Shrek picking up the tail end of that remark. Then he watched as Fiona turned in his direction and was about to plant one of her boots down where he was standing.
"Yipes!" Shrek said as he dove out of the way, just barely avoiding being crushed by the giantess. By the time he recovered, he watched as Fiona plopped herself down on the couch and began to untie her leather boots.
Shrek got on his feet and charged towards the 'giant' Fiona… but he had to come to a screeching halt as after Fiona removed her foot from one of the boots, she casually tossed it unknowningly towards him. It made Shrek realize something important.
"I'm so incredibly small… even the slightest thing I take for granted can be fatal. I have to be careful…" Shrek said as he looked at the bottom of said boot and saw the many crushed bugs there.
"(gulp) Or I'll end up like all those poor saps." Shrek said as he navigated his way around the boot, a process that took a much longer than he thought time… 2-3 minutes, to be precise. He couldn't help but also take notice of the many fissures on the underside of the boot… cracks that a normal person probably wouldn't see.

Shrek finally made it to the gargantuan toes of Fiona's bare feet, watching as his 'giant' wife yawned and then closed her eyes, resting her hands on her stomach region. Shrek looked up at the toes and gave them a good whiff. It made him smile, actually.
"Ahhhhh… at least my wife smells lovelier than ever." Shrek said. Of course, the smell would probably knock other living beings (especially humans) unconscious, but Shrek always saw foul smells as a compliment, no matter what Donkey would argue. But there was no time to dawdle. Shrek rubbed his hands together and jumped on the green skin of one of the toes, climbing up it with all his might. It took a few minutes, but he made it to the top of her toe. He breathed heavily as he got down on his hands and knees.
"Great… no sweat… now I just gotta climb… another thousand feet. Or two." Shrek said as he once again looked way up at the mega-sized Fiona. He shook it off, but once again couldn't help but feel absolutely diminuitive at the very least.

He tried to climb the rest of her foot… but then he ran into trouble. Fiona moved her feet suddenly, causing Shrek to lose his grip and fall back down to the floor.
"Whoa whoa whoa!" Shrek said as he eventually landed back on the floor. Fiona, meanwhile, was changing her sleeping position. Now she was laying on the couch like a bed, with her head leaning out over the edge.
“Well now, that was exciting. And at least the view is nice.” Shrek said. As soon as he commented on that, however, Fiona began to snore… and at Shrek’s current size, that snore sounded more like the roar of a lion amplified by a million something. He covered his ears, but they still rang from the intense snore. He then looked up and saw a bit of saliva coming out of her mouth. In other words, she was drooling. Shrek tried to run out of the way, but it was too late. He and his clothes got drenched from head to toe in the hot, sticky, gooey liquid.
“I take that back.” Shrek said as he wiped himself off as much as he could.

Once again, only mere seconds would pass before Shrek once again had to dodge danger… danger that would ordinarily be harmless to a normal-sized creature. He watched as her right arm fell off the couch with the hand dragging the ground and coming towards him. He ran as fast as he could until he heard the fingers stop in their tracks. He looked back at the fingers and noticed how they were upside down.
“Wait a minute! I can hitch a ride in one of the fingernails, that way I don’t spend half a century climbing up her dress.” Shrek said. He quickly made his way towards one of the nails, although his weight meant he was quickly running out of breath. He soon hopped onto the nail, and right away took note of how dirty and filthy the underside of the nail looked. Black dirt and lint was almost everywhere he looked, and he could smell it too.
“Urrrrrrrgh… this is disgusting even for me. I guess they didn’t have nail polish over in wherever she visited.” Shrek said.

Meanwhile, despite being nearly asleep, Fiona still felt a slight itch inside one of her nostrils, and so she moved one of her fingers up towards the right nostril. For Shrek, the world seemed to be moving in super fast motion, but he couldn't see much beyond the 'pit' that was the inside of his wife's fingernail. But when he looked up, he could just barely make out his next destination… and he did not like it one bit.
"Oh no! NonononononoNO!!!" Shrek shouted. He could only watch as he flew right into his wife's right nostril. He then felt himself being lifted off the finger and being trapped in something sticky. Little did he know that he was stuck against a booger inside this part of his wife's nose.
"No way am I sticking around here! No pun intended…" Shrek said as he tried to muscle his way loose from the piece of snot. All this did, however, was irritate the inside of Fiona's nose. She sniffed repeatedly trying to clear up her sinuses, but this just made it worse. Fiona quickly got up and walked towards a nearby table which had a box of tissues, and just as she pulled one out, she held it against her face.
"Ah… ah… ahhhhhh… CHOOOOOOO!!!" Fiona roared as she let loose with a powerful sneeze.

Shrek felt dizzy at first due to the rapid change of pressure and being thrown out of the cavernous nostril. While he was free from that 'prison' and back in the outside world of his home, he was still trapped in the booger from earlier, and the surrounding area was wet from all the saliva that went from inside Fiona's mouth onto the tissue. Shrek got his closest look ever at his enormous wife as she looked over the tissue.
"Ugh… this is disgusting even for me. I'm glad Shrek wasn't around to see this." Fiona said. Shrek rolled his eyes. If only you knew, he said to himself, but he quickly got back to trying to get her attention, feeling this was his best chance ever.
"Fiona! FIONA! Darn it, Fiona, look here! It's me, Shrek!!!" Shrek shouted. Of course, it was completely useless. He was just too small for him to be seen or heard.
"It's probably just allergies that made me sneeze this hard. Oh well." Fiona said. Shrek gasped as his view was suddenly obstructed by the tissue. That's because Fiona crumpled the tissue up into a ball and tossed it over her shoulder. Fiona walked away thinking the ball would land in the nearby waste basket, but it wound up bouncing off the edge and landing on the floor. Fiona would eventually pick up her boots and walk over to a chair near the fireplace to sit down.

Meanwhile, Shrek was somehow still alive after feeling like he was getting an unwarranted flying lesson. But there was something more important to think about. He was about to break free from the piece of snot he was trapped in. He felt it looser than ever and summoned all his strength to break free from it, and good thing too... the piece of snot felt dry in a few places, which meant he would not have been able to escape at all had it fully solidified.
"Now to work my way out of this maze." Shrek said as he looked around at the numerous walls of white that made up the ball of tissue paper.
It took almost a few minutes, but Shrek was able to make it out and was standing on the floor of his home once again.
"Whew! Free at last!" Shrek said.
But he couldn't celebrate for long… for here came the mega-sized Fiona in his direction. And this time she had her leather boots back on, which made the booming sounds more thunderous than before. Already she looked massive even though she was still a few dozen yards away from where he was standing. Shrek knew calling up to her had done no good, and so he turned around and started running, hoping maybe he could make it outside and find someone else to help him or get Fiona's attention.

Shrek, however, tripped himself up and fell flat on his face. He tripped over what would be a microscopic crack in the floor to a normal-sized creature. Shrek rolled onto his backside to look upwards… and his spirit level practically sank to zero. Fiona had stepped past the tissue she tossed earlier, apparently not taking notice of that, and was continuing on a forward motion. Shrek couldn't even see the face of his wife as her belly protuded out far enough to block that view, but that wouldn't matter. The next, and ultimately last, thing he would see is the dirty underside of one of her leather boots. As the boot quickly closed in, Shrek felt sad, depressed, and insignificant. His life was over and he knew it.
"So long, cruel wor…" Shrek started to say until…


Shrek's body popped like a grape. There was nothing left underneath Fiona's leather boot but an unrecognizable blood stain.

Fiona, of course, had no worldly clue she had just crushed her microscopic husband flat.
"I guess I'll ask some of the others if they've seen Shrek. Maybe he's just fooling around with Donkey and lost track of time." Fiona said as she eventually walked out of the home that she and Shrek lived under together.